12 basic fears in sex: how to overcome them

Your bedroom can be a breeding ground for worries and fears. In fact, we are all concerned about the question of how to be sexy and temperamental in bed. The main thing is to remember that you are not alone in your complexes. Below we have highlighted some of the biggest sexual fears and methods to overcome them.

1. I look bad when naked

If every time before you go to bed with your man, you turn off the light, or dim it, you are not alone. Modern research shows that both men and women have negative thoughts about their bodies. As for women, most often they are unhappy with their breasts or belly.

Expert in the field of sexology, Dr. Nikki Goldstein believes that a person will never be able to bring harmony into his sex life if he does not start to feel sexy . In addition, it is an important component of our self-confidence and optimism. “Do something to make you feel sexy and desirable, it can be a fake tan or new lingerie,” advises Goldstein . If you tell your partner about your insecurities, it will feel better for you and you will gain self-confidence. But Goldstein also believes that such revelations can lead to a decrease in your sexual attractiveness in the eyes of your partner in the future, because he will know the reasons for your excitement and may start to look at you in a completely different way, even when you effectively twist your hips while walking or try to surprise him in bed.

2. I am confused by my fantasies

In daily practice, Goldstein hears that women are ashamed of their sexual fantasies. Family psychologist Seem Hingorrani confirms this fact and advises: “ Never be embarrassed by the things that turn you on. It’s quite natural and normal. ” “Choose the right moment to voice your fantasies. Start a conversation with words like “I’m really interested if you have any sexual fantasies …”, this will help start a frank conversation and share the most intimate, “says Goldstein . If your fantasies are more daring and different from those of your partner, tell him that his fantasies interest you very much and you would like to try to put them into practice. Goldstein is convinced that this is a matter of mutual understanding. In most cases, finding a way to fulfill your partner’s sexual fantasies is not at all difficult. And it will make your relationship more trusting and comfortable.  

3. I’m not that good in bed.

Although many people (regardless of gender) in words try to appear as giants of sex and goddesses of love, in fact, many are terribly worried about their skill in the bedroom.
On the subject of mastery in bed, Goldstein gives this advice: “We can do a lot of research, but the fact will remain the same: your greatest art is your enthusiasm. Often you find a mountain of information, but only your feelings at the end of the working day can help you make the right decision on how to excite your soul mate. Regardless of the situation, if you approach the issue with enthusiasm, and you yourself really like it, then your partner will definitely appreciate what you come up with. “

4. What if sex isn’t always great?

Everyone will agree that in reality, sex does not always look like what we see in Hollywood films. But do we realize that this is all a deception? It must be clearly understood that real sex is far from a staged picture with a prescribed script, makeup, exposed lighting and the director’s commands. “Hollywood, our selfishness, self-doubt and even our conversations with friends can do their bit,” says sex therapist, Lucy Patarkik . It is for this reason, says Patarkik , that people begin to “play” sex more often than to live in reality and enjoy the moment. 


5. I can’t get an orgasm

The inability to get an orgasm is one of the most common female problems. Modern research shows that 75% of women cannot orgasm without oral sex, and 10-15% as a result of other reasons. Goldstein says it’s time to take a deep breath and turn off the brain: ” Women need to start seeing orgasm as part of an unforgettable journey, but not as a goal .”

This fear is the result of the fact that either we don’t always get an orgasm, or we don’t get it at all. “We were never taught to talk openly about our sex life, so if the situation goes beyond accepted, we start to think that something is wrong with us,” says Goldstein .

“This is one of those situations where a woman needs to understand the reaction of her body and determine which actions of her partner excite her the most. Only the ability to express yourself and the willingness to experiment can open your path to orgasm, ”says Goldstein . There is no need to desperately strive for orgasm, it is not at all a super-necessary component of sex. You can just enjoy intimacy, right? And when you learn to simply immerse yourself in the moment with your head, then it will become easier to achieve orgasm.

6. I feel uncomfortable when I masturbate

Although it is XXI, many people still consider masturbation something shameful. However, any sexologist will tell you that self-gratification is a way to enhance your sensuality. A complete rejection of masturbation leads to the fact that a person simply does not know his own body. If you yourself are not able to give yourself pleasure, how can a man cope with this task? If he can cope, then with difficulty … When it comes to self-satisfaction, Goldstein believes that you have to remember: ” You should not take it as something wrong, shameful, you need to focus on your feelings and have fun .” Our body belongs to us, so we have the right to touch it. Goldstein is convinced that masturbation is the key to solving our sexual problems in relationships, because when you understand what you like, it liberates you in bed. 


7. My illness will ruin my sex life

If you are living with a sexually transmitted disease, it may be difficult for you, but this does not mean that you should give up on your sex life. In Australia, 78% of sexually transmitted diseases are in people between the ages of 15 and 29. Sexologist Vanessa Thompson says: “It’s hard to be confident with this problem, but everything can be overcome … Most sexually transmitted diseases are curable.” Be open and honest with your partner and always use a condom with lubricant. Any consultant of any sex shop will always help to advise a good lubricant. Lubrication will not only facilitate penetration of the penis, but will also help prevent condoms from breaking. The attitude to intimate hygiene in the territory of the post-Soviet space is simply depressing. Remember that you need to be checked by a doctor every six months. Don’t think that only men are responsible for safe sex. This is the silly stereotype that makes STDs bloom! You, too, are responsible for healthy sex. You should always have contraceptives with you. 

8. I don’t have enough sex

Independent studies show that about 37% have sex several times a week, 27% several times a month, 7% said they do it daily, and only 4% several times a day.

We advise you to forget about statistics and talk frankly with your partner to make sure that you are both happy and satisfied. And remember, complexes exist not only with you, so learn to turn them into your virtues and give pleasure to yourself and your other half!

9. I will disgrace myself

Sometimes awkward moments happen in the bedroom . For example, someone farts in the midst of an intimate moment; the vagina sometimes releases air that has got into it during sex; others are ashamed of their own body odors … There are many reasons for shame. Avoid the relentless pursuit of perfectionism, relax and enjoy the moment. Some of the awkward moments will remain anyway. Here you just need to understand that this is how it happens, yes, nothing can be done. However, most situations can be avoided with a wise approach. For example, enemas before anal sex and shower with an intimate gel will help remove unpleasant odors. A gurgling stomach and flatulence are also not a problem if you do not eat harmful foods before sex.  

10. I will say the wrong name

When changing partners, people often shout out the name of the other person in moments of passion. Such a bobble can not only ruin sex at a given moment, but also undermine relationships in the future.
Shouting out the other person’s name does not mean that you have special feelings for the ex. It’s a matter of habit and nothing more. And so that such a habit does not arise in principle, try not to pronounce the partner’s name at all during sex. If you really want to whisper or shout out something, use words that your current companion likes. These can be gentle nicknames or even dirty curses – to each his own.

11. It will hurt me

Although the official statistics of cases of vaginismus are quite low, when talking with women face to face, you understand that many have encountered this problem. Vaginismus is an involuntary contraction of the intimate muscles, in which penetration of the penis becomes monstrously painful. In addition to vaginismus, a lack of natural lubricant often becomes a problem, in which case lubricant will help .

Never put up with pain. Choose only those partners who are able to understand and accept your needs for a longer foreplay. Trust in the bedroom works wonders! But if neither lubricants , nor the choice of sex positions, nor an affectionate and understanding partner help you , then it’s time to consult with your doctors. 

12. He will ask for something I cannot do

He wants BDSM sex, blowjob, assling or anal sex, and you turn back at the thought of such a thing? First, you need to figure out what exactly in the listed causes you disgust. Often, the dislike for atypical sex is born solely from a lack of knowledge. For example, BDSM is not at all associated with real humiliation, blowjob can be very tasty, anusling and anal sex will do without feces if you do cleansing enemas.
Be sure to discuss the problem and the reasons behind it with your partner. And don’t be shy. Remember an important rule of sex: if you are not ready to discuss sex with your man, then you are not ready to have sex with this man!

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